B4 you ever consider sewing that first embroidered patch on your gear, consider the consequences.

Twenty years ago in Grand Teton NP, we came upon an older couple as we headed back to Jenny Lake after a 3-night bp. They had some cool, hand-carved walking staffs in their hands and absolutely NO gear. I couldn't believe it, until we encountered their mule, either their grandson or their late-in-life son lagging behind, who had on his back the biggest pack I had ever seen. Every square inch of the fabric was covered in some park's patch. And I was instantly hooked.

I covered my old Coleman external pack -- the one with a black-plastic external frame -- with patches. I covered my next two backpacks with patches, both since given away. I started covering my monster Kelty Redcloud Classic with patches -- and then I learned of ultralight, found a support group (this forum) and got some help.

It had gotten so bad that the when we'd get to a place to go hiking, the first thing I'd do is look for a patch. That's crazy. Often I'd drive to the park or national forest Visitor Center, then to the nearest convenience stores, and then hit the gift shops until I'd seen them all so I could snag the BEST patch. My hike was not validated unless I came home with a patch. Absurd!

On a late season trip to Kootenay Nat'l Park in BC, Canada, we went into the town of Radium Hot Springs -- not for a logical soak, but to get a patch -- oh, and some food, too. There I found a small gift shop that was going out of business with a basket full of patches for half price for most Canadian Rockies national and provincial parks. I spent almost an hour gathering up patches for places that I might one day get to hike at.

How my wife has put up with this bizarre patch fetish of mine is beyond me; in fact, this saint has even humored me by having agreed to sew, glue or iron all those patches on for me. But what she really should've been doing is looking for a patch patch for me, like those nicotine ones, to control my addiction.

When I finally embraced the ultralight philosophy and found this support group, I was able to grapple with my compulsion. To the point that last year I was able to drive by the little coffee/gift shop in Olema outside Point Reyes Nat'l Seashore and not stop and get a patch (although I admit that it helped that they were closed.) Without the help, no telling what could have happened.

I'm thankful for the help. For almost 525 days now, since I got my new UL backpack, I have not put a single patch on that pack.

(Did I mention that my wife bought me a big, forest-green fleece blanket? And that she's very carefully sewing my patches on it instead? She's got them pinned to it for placement; I'm sure she'll sew that first one on any day now.)

I'm ending this post by revealing my favorite patch, much like Jay Leno did in that Classic Motorsports magazine interview when he spoke of his Lotus Elan. Most avid collectors have their particular preferred masterpiece.

I found mine in a "reduced-for-quick-sale" bucket at a little store on Lake McDonald in Glacier National Park. They had the patch for $1 (which is pretty good, since most patches are $3.95-$7.95.)

See if you can figure out why:

]

This is too hot even for Animal Planet.

It was the last patch I put on my Redcloud Classic and why I haven't gotten rid of the beheamoth. Speaking of Leno, I had even thought of sending it to him for the show, but didn't cause I figured they wouldn't send the pack back. All I know is, if I tried that with a goat, a ranger would definitely drag me in on some bestiality charge. And what's up with the voyeuristic moose? Is modern American society rubbing off on the animal world? Are these bears hybernating with the Internet AND cable?