I think the core idea here (to answer the OP's question) is that the conversation has to be had with his spouse BEFORE making the commitment to go.

"Manning up" does not entail abandoning your love ones (abandoning being different than leaving behind). Abandoning family is the antithesis of manning up - and the "traditional" marriage vows.

If the OP's spouse can't handle the idea of him doing an optional deployment, than perhaps the AT isn't in the cards for now. If she can, then it might be. It depends on their ground rules - which he needs to go talk with her and set.

If long seperations are going to be part of the marriage, I'll share a Marine MSGT's very good advice to me about marriage - do a deployment first, then get married, not the other way around.

Steadman