A Southern Preacher spoke to his congregation, 'Someone has spread a false rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God & this Christian Family.' The entire Congregation was quiet.

The Preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to admit this falsehood? You'll be forgiven & in your heart you'll feel glory. Now, before God, stand and confess your transgression.' Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head bowed, her voice quivering as she spoke, 'Reverend, I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I just told some of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, the Congregation roared.

That's funny, no doubt about it....

Thanks chaz, I can use that one tonight!

Bill

Hello chaz, I don’t know if we just keeping making new threads or keep all our jokes here.
-Barry


The wife and husband go to a counselor after 20 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.

The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 20 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
Barry (oops, names are supposed to be withheld) thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here to your office Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I backpack."

A good one Barry, I think it's cool to keep it here instead of starting new joke threads.???????

Here's an oldie, but a goodie:

He: Do you know the difference between sex and lunch?

She: No.

He: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

True story;
I asked my two year old grandson “Can you say ‘bacon’ in spanish?”
He was fast: “Bacon in spanish”

Touché. He caught me there. Wait a minute. How can a two year old catch me? Are they teenagers in disguise?

-Barry

Sometimes, those two year old people get lucky

Sounds to me more like a case of the apple not falling very far from the tree

Phat, you made me spit on my 'puter screen!

Hey, I used that line on my wife to be 17 years ago. I weighed 280 lbs back then.

The good news is now I weigh 140.

The bad news is that I'm starting to get hungry.

Bill

Well, at least that's what my wife says when my kids are incorregable smartalecks.. I can only assume she's referring to herself as the tree..

When my nephew was about two, I was chuckling about something mischievous he had done. Then he looks at me and says in the most innocent voice, "Uncle Pat, I'm just a child."

Happy Birthday phat! Jan 15!

A Canadian lawyer went into the wilds of Canada to do some duck hunting. He was in the blind and shot a duck. The duck went over a fence and landed right next to an old farmer on his tractor. The farmer got off from his tractor, picked up the duck and proceeded on his way. The lawyer went over and demanded his duck. The farmer said that the duck had landed on his land so it was his. The lawyer proceeded to threaten the farmer with a lawsuit and informed the farmer that he was one of the top lawyers in Canada. The farmer said to hold on. Here in the country they settled such things with the three kick rule. The lawyer had never heard of the three kick rule so the farmer explained that the challenged party got to kick the other party three times then the challenger got three kicks etc. until one party gave up. The lawyer figured that what harm could an old codger like the farmer do so he agreed.

The farmer said that since he was the challenged party he got to go first. The farmer immediately kicked the lawyer in the crotch and while the lawyer was bent over kicked him in the stomach so that the lawyer lost all of his dinner. The farmer then went around behind the lawyer and kicked him into the mess. When the lawyer finally regained his composure the said, “OK you old coot now it is my turn” The farmer then said, “No I give up, you can have the duck”

My 5 year old son was climbing on the railing of the stairs when my wife said to him "I wish you would not climb on that". To which he replied, "Mom, your wish did NOT come true".

Somehow, that reminds me of the Davy Crockett (?) story, where he bets the guy he can throw him across the creek. The guy accepts, and Crockett throws him about 4 feet - splash. He climbs out, demands his money, and Crockett replies, "I didn't say I could do it the first try," grabs him again, and throws him 6 feet - splash. The guy pays up.

For some strange, perverted reason it also reminds me of the classic story that ends with the bear saying, "You're not really hunting bear, are you?"

lol!

Here's a critter joke I still don't quite understand:



Wouldn't this be like using teflon-coated toilet paper?

My favorite is:



And finally: