I hope I dont make anybody mad with this post but I had to vent. I have been planning this (solo) trip at the end of march. I was going to go on a great 3 day hike in WV. I had been thinking about what all to pack, how to lighten up the load, the best way to set up, and how relaxing it is going to be. (Mind you Im getting married at the end of may and feeling the stress already.) I made the mistake of telling two friends about the trip, now they want to go and everthing has changed. One guy can only take two days so we changing the place. The two of them have no gear, this is their first trip, and not in great shape. (Not that I am but I know that I can push through and keep hiking till needed.) What was going to be a relaxing solo trip to gather my head and escape for three days, has turned into a stressful quick planned two day trip that is going to be full of waiting and rushing. I guess next time I plan a trip, I wont tell anybody until Im packed up and on my way to the trailhead. Thanks for letting me vent I needed it.

I have had the same problem before. Nothing much you can do. I agree, don't tell anyone until you leave. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was going to offer profound advice but it sounds like you've learned your lesson, Grasshopper..... <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Better yet, just leave a note! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Them just wanting to go doesn't give them the priviledge of actually going with you. Tell them you need to do it solo before getting married.

Actually, there is a 2-letter word called "No." A bit late now, though, since you appear to have consented to their joining you. On the other hand, it's a word I have always had trouble trouble saying, too, although as I get older it's getting a lot easier!

I agree with TotemPole99. Tell them there will other trips later on.
If they really are your friends, then they'll understand. If they don't, then they're not.

I finally broke down this past Christmas and told my mom & siblings that we (my wife & kids) would not be seeing them during the holiday season (first time in 30 years). It's a long story that I won't get into here but I can say it was the most stress free Christmas I've ever had.

Just my $0.02.

I think a big problem is the misconception of many people that everyone wants company! Maybe you have neglected to explain to your friends that you really like to hike solo. It would simply never occur to some folks. I have friends who wouldn't dream of hiking or paddling alone.

Tell them NO.

I have felt that exact same frustration in the past. It's hard to say "no" when you're a people pleaser or just not very assertive. It's taken me some time to learn that it's okay to say "no" when that needs to be the answer. If these guys are your friends, then they will understand (even now) when you just say, "look bros, I love you guys, but I really need to do this one for me. We'll hook up on another trip sometime soon." Boom! It's just that easy.

Sometimes i am very happy to have company, because if anything it's an excuse to get out. However, almost anyone I've every hiked with has been told "No" by me at least once. - I like my solo trips too much.

Sometimes I just let it happen, and it works out fine. My trip into the bottom of south boundary
last year (Jonas and Nigel pass) started off as being just me. I then mentioned it to a good friend,
who said "maybe we'll see you in the first campsite" which was fine, because I knew they'd do their
own thing anyway, and then it turned into a case where a mutual friend found out, and decided to
fly into edmonton, meet me, and head in with me. Sigh... so it ended up being four people.

The difference here is other than a little bit of shepherding for the out of towner (I handed him
a food/stove/fuel bag because he didn't want to haul on plane) I didn't have to do anything about
anyone. I essentially got him the 14 KM into the first site at night, and then the next day had every
intention to do my own thing. as it is we stayed together, but it was fine. we didn't *have* to, and
that took any stress out of it for me.

I do find I am a lot less stressed about others if I do no planning for them. They can come with
me, but bring your own gear, your own food, etc. etc. i.e. if the other two want to share gear, great, go ahead - but I am self contained. So I don't worry about planning anyone elses trip other than
getting their butts to/from the trailheads.

You *may* want to try that with your friends if it's not possible for you to back out.- just tell them
"hey look, I was gonna do it solo, I'm gonna be self contained - you guys do your own planning"

On the other hand if your friends are inexperienced this may be a stress increaser not a stress
decreaser so use judiciously - I don't hike with newbs without doing (or checking) at least
some of their planning for them so I don't end up having to get them out of (or stress about the possibility of getting them out of ) a situation they shouldn' t have gotten into in the first place.

Yeah, the more players, the more stipulations sometimes... I would start my hike a few hours early and write it off as mis-communication...eleven o'clock, ahhh, I meant seven o'clock...you owe it to yourself and your new soon to be bride,,,she doesnt need you being stressed anymore than you'll already be. good luck with that one. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I agree with the rest: if it's at all possible, tell them "no, I just need to be alone." The fact that they have no gear and no experience gives you two additional alternatives: "I'd like to take you, but I don't have enough gear to outfit you both" and "This is not a beginner's trip - I'll design a great first trip to take you on when I get back."

If they insist on going, Phat's right: you tell them where you're headed and they have to do their own planning. I had a couple of very good friends that I loved backpacking with; we were incredibly compatible in style and what we enjoyed. But even though we might agree on the "bones" of the plan (so many miles on such and such trails, probably camping at point x, y, and z), the rule was that we were taking 3 solo trips together. Everybody planned for themselves, and we all felt free to leave the group and hook back up later, or just camp by themselves and hook up next morning - and frequently did.

So you don't have to give up a day of hiking, can you suggest that they either meet you somewhere on the second day of your hike, or could you start together and you stay on the trail a day past the spot they leave?

Just say no.

With a thorough explanation of course.

If they really are your friends they will understand.

Plan another trip with them later after the wedding.

We did the same thing this year -- first time in 22 years of marriage. I won't say the whole holiday season was stress free -- after all, we have a 17-year-old in the house -- but it was great to not travel.

I told my kids (as soon as the oldest one married) that they should start their own family Christmas traditions rather than coming home or trying to balance the two sets of parents. It has worked out just great! I can go visit them or (most years) spend a quiet peaceful Christmas with no cooking (!!!) and listening to music by the fire. I can attend all my church's Christmas services and sing in the choir, without background worries about allocating oven time to multiple courses (usually at midnight). I hope they'll do the same with their children!

Stand your ground, and tell them thatyou need your solo time. Your the one gettng married not them. If either one of them is then they will understand. If they are not then explain to them that your are signing a contract to never have peace and quite again and more often then not you will look for an excuse to go bping and thats when you can use them as the excuse that they want to take you out bping. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I never tell my backpacking buddies when I'm planning a solo trip. Heck, I often don't even tell my wife until a day or so before I leave. "Honey, since we're not doing anything this weekend, do you mind if I head out for a couple of days?" (I have a very understanding wife, of course.)

Understanding? Maybe she's celebrating! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey, I'm starting to think my wife is celebrating too when I tell her I want to head out. The loud "WooHoo, I've got to make some calls" and that little dance she does makes me a little suspicious now that you point this out.

You think it's possible that she's not sitting at home baking cookies and worrying about me, while I'm bushwhacking around deep in the dangerous Ozark Forests, like I figured she was?

I know what I'll do, I'll go on a trip and then see if there are any fresh cookies waiting for me when I get back. Good thing it's getting to be the perfect time of year to try this out. In fact, I'll give her no more than 10 times, no, make it 20 times, that I go out and don't see any cookies when I get back before I spring the results of my plan on her <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I can't wait to see her face and hear what she has to say when I tell her that I've been out camping 20 times and she's never baked me cookies while I was gone! She's gonna feel so bad I'll get something baked for me every night for quite awhile I bet.

Bill

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Perhaps 'celebrating' was not the right word. Maybe what I should have said is: Sometimes it's nice to have the house to oneself for a few days. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We're not even married yet, but after nearly 3 years together, my fiancee still gets a bit happy to have the home to herself when I head out for a week or two.

You might be right again, I asked her a few minutes ago and she said she was just being "Appreciative of my desire to get away from the house."

I'm not sure, but I think I heard her mumble something in addition to that when I was coming back out here, it sounded to me like, "and thrilled to take advantage of it too".

But I know she doesn't go dancing and whooping it up till late with her girlfriends because sometimes when I come home early she can hardly get out of bed she's so tired from worrying about me.

Gotta love a woman like that <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bill

"She's gonna feel so bad I'll get something baked for me every night for quite awhile I bet."

Um, Bill, what color is the sky in your world? <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My wife calls it Quality Time Alone.

She talks about the three Bs.

Baileys,
Blockbuster, &
Bubble bath.

maybe you could add another B for Bond. Nothing like watching James in a tux! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

A Bond movie we would watch together. I generally go with her to pick out the movies. She watches the movies that do not interest me for her QTA.

We use a kiosk at the grocery and I bet we confuse people. She asks if I want to watch a movie, I say no, then she selects it.

Putting on asbestos suit... These movies are usually called "chick flicks". Duck - incoming!!!!!! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I can tell you this, Glenn, my sweet wife hasn't baked cookies in years. She will get them for me at the store though.

Seriously, she never misses a chance to go have fun with her friends when I'm out backpacking for a few nights. She occasionally says something like, "It sure is nice out, great weather for camping, huh?" I can take a hint. Other times she's a bit more blunt, saying something like, "You really need to get out of here for a few days. Go. Now." I've not figured out exactly what triggers that welcome request, but (in my world) I'm sure it's not because she's wanting to get me out of her hair for awhile, rather it must be her way of looking out for my good health.

I guess it's not so much the color of the sky in that's different in my world, maybe it's the angle from which I view it <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bill

My soon-to-be ex husband used to order me to go take a hike whenever he could sense my stress levels peaking. I was doing alot of hiking for a while.

MNS

yep.....as Bearpaws Fiancee' your wife has it right. Only thing is in that time of the 3 B's , I am constantly making sure the phone is handy, and that I am not too relaxed in case something comes up and need to drive. But his hiking gives me extra sleep time and cuddle time with the resident teddy bears in the bed.

On the flip side.....I think Bearpaw has a bit of fun when he takes me hiking with him. Weird things happen when you hike with a clutz....sometimes funny..sometimes not.

I still get a good giggle when I think about going to get water from a nice flowing waterfall at little falls at the virgin falls pocket wilderness. I got water, and I slipped and fell in while getting the water.......then there was the stuck turtle problem...on the same hike. I learned that day...always make sure there is a stepping spot on the other side when crawling over a huge tree..I looked like a beached turtle stuck on top of a fallen tree.

Congratulations you two!!!!! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bearpaw is well liked and respected here at TLB. I think we are all happy that he has found someone to share his life.

Good to hear from you - Bearpaw has told us good things.

Your tag line at the bottom just confirms what I've been saying: his "true" trail name should be Skunks, not Bearpaw! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I envy the two of you; I've never been able to get Karol interested in backpacking - car camping and day hiking is her limit, though it's fun to spend time with her doing that.

Hey! That's Dewey and Topper in that avatar! They are famous! And favorites of many who read BP's posts... thanks for that advice and you four (Dewey & Topper included) keep posting ... with pix.

Don't feel bad if your wife doesn't enjoy the backpacking. I can't get Bearpaw to geocache with me. He says the GPS is a toy and he likes real hiking....not scavenger hunting with a toy.

Someday...I'll convert him someday.

SWS

That's a bummer, guys can be pretty stupid. Look at Elliot Spitzer, what a Dutz.

I have no doubt that, now that this is out, there will be another rush to Alaska!

Bill

Bill, you're very sweet...

I do want to say, though, that in my experience, men don't have the exclusive rights to stupidity. That is actually an equal-opportunity problem. Look at Mrs. Spitzer, standing by her man. That is a pretty stupid position to take if you want to get the message out that your husband is being stupid! And if you don't want to get that message out, you're saying what he did is ok. Stupid.

MNS

Hilarious.. I've been known to say exactly the same thing to my GeoCaching friends - that if I'm not just doing "real hiking" I'll have a rifle and/or fly rod with me. not a GPS <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

well, gee....that's pretty judgemental about a person, I think. What she does with her life and her husband is her business. Just because some feel that they would do something else doesn't make it right...or wrong.

I'd say that it was more of an observation. than a judgment. Viewed as an observation, it's difficult to argue against.

But since we're speaking of being "Judgmental" we need to keep in perspective what this women's husband did for a living. She supported him throughout all his years of judging others. I think it's fair to compare, and even judge, the actions of those who get paid to prosecute others for their actions. Have you ever heard an attorney plea for a conviction? I'd say you'd be hard pressed to find a more judgmental person. Elliot Spitzer was as judgmental as any man I've ever seen or heard speak. I don't feel a need to condemn him to hell or hard labour, but I feel confident that judging him to be a "Dutz" is based on sound social principals, existing law, and widely accepted morals.

I admit to feeling a bit sorry for his wife, but if she knew her husband was doing this before it became public, than she was complicit. Knowing what we now know, it is almost inconceivable that she was not aware of other abuses of power and privilege that were bending or breaking the law. The guy really was a freaking "Steamroller".

I'm no extreme right-winger, but I have little sympathy for those who took money to enforce and create laws that they, themselves, flagrantly violate. As for his wife, I agree with what the woman I'm married to said, "I would have let him walk out there alone."

Personally, I think it would do women everywhere a great service for one of them to go to the press and say, "I kicked the cheating rat to the curb and I'll be running in the next election to take his seat and uphold our promises." She could still have the time of her life if she did that.

Instead, it looks like the call girl will be cashing in. I wouldn't sit quiet in the middle of that irony and it would be dignity that motivated me to action, not money or fame.

Kindest Regards,

Bill