A Southern Preacher spoke to his congregation, 'Someone has spread a false rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God & this Christian Family.' The entire Congregation was quiet.
The Preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to admit this falsehood? You'll be forgiven & in your heart you'll feel glory. Now, before God, stand and confess your transgression.' Again, all were quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head bowed, her voice quivering as she spoke, 'Reverend, I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I just told some of my friends you were a wizard under the sheets.' The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, the Congregation roared.
Hello chaz, I don’t know if we just keeping making new threads or keep all our jokes here. -Barry
The wife and husband go to a counselor after 20 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is.
The wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 20 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" Barry (oops, names are supposed to be withheld) thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here to your office Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I backpack."
A Canadian lawyer went into the wilds of Canada to do some duck hunting. He was in the blind and shot a duck. The duck went over a fence and landed right next to an old farmer on his tractor. The farmer got off from his tractor, picked up the duck and proceeded on his way. The lawyer went over and demanded his duck. The farmer said that the duck had landed on his land so it was his. The lawyer proceeded to threaten the farmer with a lawsuit and informed the farmer that he was one of the top lawyers in Canada. The farmer said to hold on. Here in the country they settled such things with the three kick rule. The lawyer had never heard of the three kick rule so the farmer explained that the challenged party got to kick the other party three times then the challenger got three kicks etc. until one party gave up. The lawyer figured that what harm could an old codger like the farmer do so he agreed.
The farmer said that since he was the challenged party he got to go first. The farmer immediately kicked the lawyer in the crotch and while the lawyer was bent over kicked him in the stomach so that the lawyer lost all of his dinner. The farmer then went around behind the lawyer and kicked him into the mess. When the lawyer finally regained his composure the said, “OK you old coot now it is my turn” The farmer then said, “No I give up, you can have the duck”
Somehow, that reminds me of the Davy Crockett (?) story, where he bets the guy he can throw him across the creek. The guy accepts, and Crockett throws him about 4 feet - splash. He climbs out, demands his money, and Crockett replies, "I didn't say I could do it the first try," grabs him again, and throws him 6 feet - splash. The guy pays up.
For some strange, perverted reason it also reminds me of the classic story that ends with the bear saying, "You're not really hunting bear, are you?"
Here's a critter joke I still don't quite understand:
Bear and rabbit are going #2. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks, "Does poo stick to your fur?" The rabbit says, "Nope!" So the bear wipes himself with the rabbit.
Wouldn't this be like using teflon-coated toilet paper?
My favorite is:
If a man alone in the forest speaks, and there are no women for 100-miles around, is he still wrong?
A hiker skipped church one Sunday to go for a trek in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided!
The hiker stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally he crashed into a boulder, breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the hiker cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. It skidded to a halt at the hiker's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."